View all posts by Chris Stephens on Blommit.

Aug 18 – Awesome, amazing deal! $3100 a month for an infinite 4 Bedroom flex in/and/or around safe and secure Williamsburg. Pics available upon request!

Stunning 4 bedroom flex now available in the darkest street corner possible in a neighborhood nowhere near Williamsburg. But you’ll love it. It’s just a stone’s throw away or as we call it in your neighborhood, “a dead man’s chance” away from Williamsburg. Technically, the place is a 400 square foot opium den but we called it a 4 bedroom flex to get your attention. You do have the option of building three other smaller rooms to house any mice; and you should since you’ll definitely have them.

I know I said pictures available upon request but there are no pictures available. Mostly because the place is a shit hole and I don’t know how to photoshop out the police tape or blood. Oh, wait, found a pic. I’ll send it to you. It’s low res and blurry and shows a corner of an unfinished room, but you get the idea.

The best news about this place is there’s no broker’s fee. You will however be paying a discovery fee which in essence IS a broker’s fee. The only difference is that it doesn’t go towards my “office,” instead it gets me a rock of coke that I will snort later after my shady investments fail. Also great news is that that I’ll be picking up said rock a block away from your house at the cultisac or as it’s known in the community, Murderer’s Alley; so if you like to party, you’re in luck!

When you’re living in this great new place you shouldn’t have any problems besides the occasional police kicking in your door asking why you are squatting. If such an emergency arises, however, feel free to call my “broker’s office” which will be a telephone number that will be promptly disconnected after our business is concluded, as I am only moments away from jumping in my Chevy El Durado and hightailing it to Mexico with your money. Not to worry though, your 1st month, last month, and security deposit will afford me the finest prostitute Tijuana has to offer.

Now before we complete this transaction, all I need from you is a background credit check which is a non-refundable $65 fee per person per application per diem. Which pretty much means whatever I want it to. In total, it comes out to an extra $2,900 that you’re not expecting. Also I’ll need W2 forms complete with social security numbers, I repeat WITH SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS. I will not be using them for any devious purpose but I can’t speak for my alter ego Senor Tequila who is known to do wild and crazy things once he gets a taste of his “special medicine.”

If you’d like to schedule an appointment to view the place, just dial my pager number. Put 911 so I know it’s important and not just some other jerkoff whose looking for the money that I swindled out of him.

Can’t wait for you to check out the place! You’re going to shit your pants when see it!!

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Written by Lorenzo

Lorenzo has been hanging around the office for the past 24 years, and, in the process, has become the president of,, and His mission is to build into New York's largest no fee apartment rental service. Before, Lorenzo was a Regional Sales Manager for Time Equities, Inc., one of New York's largest converters of rental buildings to coops and condos. Lorenzo was once a part owner of Swift & Watson Real Estate in NYC's Greenwich Village.

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